Huckleberry growing indeed! Huck is 12 pounds! A regular little chubbette! Doctors seem very happy with how he is progressing….one doctor called him an “unusal NICU graduate” because he has gained so much weight on just breast milk. (Maybe that’s because he nurses all the time? I am basically his milk slave.)
The therapist that came over yesterday also let us know that “everything looks great” so far. So we are thrilled!

"Hmmm, what an interesting thought!"

"And I'm spent."

He is on oxygen and a monitor, and thanks to comments from other preemie moms, I am not as scared to have them here, although they are truly a pain in the ass. The monitor went off several times the last two nights. (They were false alarms, because the leads had scooted down off his chest onto his diaper. He is a very squirmy baby.) Anyway! I have not had any sleep in the past two nights! I have had two cups of coffee! I am high as a kite!

Alex doing his best Huck impression

Huck doing his best Alex impression

Huck being swallowed by his carseat

Yesterday morning was a manic one, Alex and I both trying to get the apartment ready as best we could (“Did we vacuum this rug enough?…LET’S JUST VACUUM IT AGAIN!”). We were actually washing the floor and figuring out where to put these huge oxygen tanks that were delivered to us when my cell phone rang, blinking “NICU”. I guess I really had let my hopes soar within the last couple of days, because I honestly thought it would be one of his doctors calling to simply say, “All set! Come on down and pick up this baby!”. But that was not the phonecall.

Instead, it was Dr. George calling to tell us that Huck failed the monitor test last night by having a apena spell. It was not a bad spell–he had stopped breathing for about 30 seconds, which was not terrible–and he only had one. But it was enough of a reason to keep him there longer.

My general NICU mantra is ‘please don’t cry, please don’t cry, please don’t cry’, which fails me often, and this time was no different. I am glad that they are being cautious, I really am–I guess I just really had fixated on the idea of him finally being with us and didn’t really let myself think he would not pass the test.

But they are starting the test again today, and it has to run for three more days (no more spells, Huck, please!). If he passes THIS time, the soonest he can come home is Monday. I am trying not to get too excited this time, but I guess I can’t really help it.

Thanks as always for everyone’s support. Truly. I know I am late in saying it, but everyone’s comments, emails, etc. mean a lot to us!

The good news is that Huck is doing very well! I have gotten my breast milk to soar new heights, thanks to herbs, pharmaceuticals and becoming a pumping psycho. He had to go on formula for a while, but we are on all breast milk now. We are having to train him to nurse. Since his mouth is small and, well, since HE is small, it takes a lot of effort from him. He gets tired and falls asleep often, where I then have to wake him up and try to get him going again. It takes a while. We are getting there, however!

I have been spending my whole days at the hospital. Alex comes when he can, but he is insanely busy with the farm, so it is usually every few days. I am there to breast feed at least a few times.

The doctors actually told me today that they would like to see him discharged within a week, and the soonest he could come home would be THURSDAY! I was pretty shocked, actually. I mean, that’s like, in three days! He will come home on oxygen and a monitor, which sounds nerve-racking but who cares at this point–we just want him home! The doctors explained that he is just having trouble shaking the oxygen habit. I am not sure how long he will have to stay on, but, hopefully, along with all of his meds he’s taking, it won’t be much longer and he can be meds-and-oxygen tank-free. But as they keep telling us in the NICU, it’s up to him. (I have whispered in his ear several times that if he could please get off this oxygen, that would be great.)

So that is the exciting update!! He is so close I can taste his little baby essence in this room! Also, for those in the Chicago area, since we did not get to have a baby shower, we will be, at some point when we feel it is a good idea, have a homecoming party. Details to come!

(YAY!)

These photos were taken by the very talented Sarah Hess, who was wonderful enough to come out and visit me and help me not feel like such a mess! Alex’s parents were also sweet enough to come out from Virginia and help with our apartment and with the farm, making things baby-ready so that whenever little Huck comes home, we are ready for him!

The good: he is on nasal cannula! This is a step up from the c-pap respirator, which is great news. He has also changed rooms, where he is in the less critical room for babies that are a little more stable.

The not-as-good: Yesterday I asked the nurse if she thinks he’d be home by his due date (October 14th). She said she couldn’t predict anything, but she doubts it. Which, I must admit, did crush me a little. I’ve been trying very hard to just roll with things, and just go day by day, but I guess I had hoped he would be here by his due date. She said since he was so slow at getting off the respirator, and is also slow at lowering his liters of oxygen on the nasal cannula, he most likely will be there longer than a month. But that’s ok, I keep reminding myself! I have to just continue to be patient.

Thanks again for everyone’s comments, past and future…they really mean a lot to us!

Hi all,
Things are fairly stable with Huck. The good: he is on si-pap, which is a step below c-cap, from what we understand. He is also getting feedings of 30 ml every 4 hours of breastmilk! I guess he’s been having some reflux, which is not part of the good, but it seems like that is fairly normal with preemies his age, I think. The not-as-good: he had an ultrasound and his kidneys are dialated, so they put him on a low dose of daily antibiotics as to prevent infection. When I asked how long he will be on them, they said likely close to his discharge date. This seemed like a pretty long time to be on antibiotics to me, and so of course I am asking a million questions and get teary-eyed, asking if it is possible he can be off sooner than that. (Answer: no.) I am sure, too, that by now it is written in our file, “mom’s crazy. cries all the time. careful, loose cannon.”. Luckily everyone at the NICU is pretty nice and are pretty gentle with me, even when I can tell that they’re thinking I’m being irrational.
The one other not-so-good: my breast milk production has gone south. I had a very discouraging meeting with the lactation consultant at the hospital, because I wasn’t getting much milk and had gotton my period already. After letting her know these things, she proceeded to talk to me about formula. I stopped her and told her I wasn’t going to use formula and was planning on exclusively breast-feeding.
She paused. “I don’t think that’s going to be possible at this point.”
(Cue tears.)

She went on to say not to worry, that drying up is very common to micro preemie moms. They are mentally not well, they are disconnected from their babies, and it just happens. It’s common that they just have to use formula. I informed her with my teary voice that I was very determined to make it work.
Since this terrible meeting I have been obsessively pumping, many more times than I had been. A week later it seems to be working, since it has definitely been increasing. I am just going to try my best and hopefully it happens!

The following pictures are ones that were taken days ago when I was allowed to “kangaroo” him. Kangaroo care is something I have tried doing everyday they have let me (basically, every day that he’s stable). It entails the nurse taking him from the incubator and tucking him in my shirt. It is skin-to-skin contact where the baby will recognize the mother’s smell, causing a decrease in stress and decrease potential for infection. In my shirt Huck feels like a kitten, or a frog. His tiny hands and feet squirm, or he just sleeps. And it has really helped me calm down. (See the pictures? I’m actually smiling!).

One last thing: thank you so much for all the blog comments! They help enormously, and people again and again tell me how much they love reading the comments on this blog. Thanks for everyone’s well wishes and stories…they are amazing and so inspiring!